Disappointment at its disappointing best.

This blog has been a few days coming, I was going to write it when it was fresh in my mind and in my emotions. I suppose it's a good thing that I've had time to 'stew' on it, as it could have been wash of "f**k this, f**k that". Even though if you know me, I'm not one to swear all too often, but you can understand it would be a massive rant, rather than a well thought-out blog.

So I got a lovely phone-call that sent me spiralling. I won't go into details, but quite obviously, it left me feeling disappointed. Which lead to other uncomfortable feelings.

Following that phone-call, after I still hadn't managed to lift myself up, my fish, "Lihko" died the next morning. Which after having him for longer than a year, was hard to deal with. I haven't had a fish live that long, and I was quite proud of the effort.

Now I was thinking to myself, what is it that was disappointing me so. Was it because I felt I'd been unfairly done by? Was it because I felt myself useless and unworthy of my previous position and was upset that others had validated this thought? (Don't get me wrong, it's great to be validated by others, but not when it's an aspect of your negative self-talk). Was it simply shock, could I have taken it in a better stride, and thought before I reacted with such a feeling?

I settled on option number two. It was me thinking, "well I always I thought I was crap at this position, no wonder I've lost it". Yet, that's not so. I am still thinking about it now, two days later, but I've come to think that if I was at that position in the first place, and wasn't moved until a year later, I mustn't have been too crap, right? Otherwise they would have moved me before now.

It still hurts to think about it though, and I won't deny that. Simply trying to think about it the way I should (as I've just mentioned about not being useless 'cause I held the position for a year), it's still not that easy just to feel good about it.

I think that's one thing myself, and others should try. Find the truth and the positives in situations, but remember that you are allowed to feel how you feel about certain things. Life isn't always rainbows, kids.

One thing I've been taught, is to "sit" with your feelings. As shite and uncomfortable as they may be, they will pass. So sit, accept them for what they are - yucky, then wait til they 'move on', because they will, eventually.

Another good thing I should start to think about, is that the world doesn't dish out negative happenings, they just happen, as do positive happenings. E.g a bird may poo on your shoulder as you walk down the street - the world hasn't made this happen to spite you, it just happened. Same as e.g if you find $5 on your car floor (did that they other day, boo yeah!), it just happens.

So for instance my fish dying less than 24 hours after I get the phone-call. Of course I believed the world was out to get me, but it's not true. It happens. It's what I believe to be a mixture of Fate and Destiny. I believe both work hand in hand. I think that Destiny creates a path for you, and Fate decides what happens along that path. Which means somewhere down the track this loss of position may lead to something, though it was Fate who chose the loss to happen, rather than another event. You get me?

So disappointment. It's there. I feel it. I acknowledge it. It WILL leave.

Alright, hoping that may have got you guys thinking, however this is no way me going "think like this, people!". It's simply me thinking what I should work on and think about, and if something comes out of it that's helpful for you, then that's great!

So I'll sign out for another time.

Adios mi amigos!
Hasta luago.
Chase the Morning (Nix).

A first of many?

First, before I delve into the... 'amusement park' that is my life, my thoughts, my opinions, my observations, I want to quickly explain how I got the name of 'Chase the Morning'.

Some of you may or may not have seen the musical "Repo! The Genetic Opera", but if you have, you may recognise that "Chase the Morning" is one of the songs. Sung by the amazing and beautiful Sarah Brightman as 'Blind Mag'.

If you ever have the chance to see the movie, I suggest you do. Gory, yes. Strange, yes. Creepy, most definitely! Though it is a fantastic musical.

Any who, so now I'm going to go on one of those thoughtful rants about life. Haha, I hope it won't be THAT boring, though if you feel the need to, stop reading and have a nap :P I won't be offended if you don't tell me you went to sleep.

So, most recently I've been thinking about my personal values. As I'm studying tafe, we have to read Case Studies, and find out what professional and personal values that come out of the scenario.

These may include Confidentiality, Boundaries, Self Determination, that kind of thing. During one of these lessons, the question was posed to us: What do you think is your most important personal value? It got me thinking, how can I just come up with ONE, when there's so many that I hold dear.

My answer ended up being 'Honesty', as I believe that if we are all honest with each other, the closer we could all be together. Have you ever noticed that a lie has the ability to place emotional AND physical space between people? Admit, you've lied, everyone has. I have, and here's me being HONEST. See how I've just bridged a tiny gap between us? I had the courage to admit I have lied.

Now thinking of this, if we tried not to lie, or at least lie less ('cause come on, there are times it's needed), then couldn't we all be closer?

Again I was thinking, is Honesty really my main value? I then came up with caring and compassion. You're probably thinking - well obviously you'd like others to treat you that way. Well yes, of course I would. For me, I feel that anyone who is genuinely nice to me, is my hero. Yes, I have a few main heroes, but I feel that those who treat me with respect, no matter our differences, and who believe in me when I'm having trouble believing in myself. These people are my heroes.

In saying that, my hero could be a random person walking down the street who smiles at me as I walk by them. Which means, chances are, many of you reading (if you haven't fallen asleep, or if anyone is reading at all), YOU are my heroes.

You know why? 'Cause A. I most likely have come across you in some aspect of my life, whether I know you well, or whether I have just met you. B. You are reading this. You're taking your time out to read my thoughts. I appreciate that, therefore, you are my hero.

So as we come back to the original point, Values. I'd like to know, what is your most important value? Can you give me a rundown why that one is your favourite? Or at least just tell me what you think it would be.

I'd love to hear it. Please, reply and let me know.

I'm going to sign out now. Though I hope you've had a bit of an enjoyable insight into the way my crazy mind works.

I will be back with more, believe you me.

Adios, mi Amigos!
Hasta luago! (Cya later!).
Chase the Morning (Nix).